Best Worst Review

Being a published author has a lot of advantages (chief among them, I would imagine, is the ability to start sentences with, “Well, as a published author…”). But the downside to being a published author? Your book—your pride and joy—is out there, open to criticism from the world (and a particularly judgmental subpopulation known as Amazon.com customer reviewers). And that means the inevitable bad review.

Sure, a bad review can hurt, but take heart—it’s probably not as bad as you think. Don’t believe me? Check out The Worst Review Ever. This blog features the worst of the worst, sent in by the disparaged (and good-natured) authors themselves, along with their answers to questions like, “How long did it take you to get over the pain and humiliation of the review (assuming you got over it)?”

Here are some of my favorites (presented in all their unedited glory):

Gem #1: “If you hate Western Civilization, Moveable Type and The English language...Then you'll love 'Venus Envy’!”

Gem #2: “this book has perhaps crossed a line. maybe a book as shallow has been invented, you havent read it, cause it doesnt exist. it was as sluggish and definetly [sic] not straight. full of stereo types [sic], this book fades into dust”

Gem #3: “Holy Creative Writing No-No 101! Here's a clue that something is amiss in a book: when reading, if you find yourself wondering things like, ‘I wonder if Axl Rose realizes he looks dumb with corn rows’ or ‘Maybe I just haven't given cauliflower a fighting chance’ or ‘Gee, I wonder how many interstitial [sic] hairs are on my index finger’, then there is something very wrong with the book.”

So don’t despair, authors. Until a reviewer calls for you to be “drawn and quartered” for your writing (a wee bit harsh, no?), you're in pretty good shape.